I don’t often write in this. Maybe I should, it’s a great way of venting out certain things I can’t/won’t actually say to peoples faces. Or maybe opinons, beliefs, life in general.

I want to start out with college. College is going well, better than I expected - I started 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and already on the actual first day I made instant friends with everyone. Now two weeks on, they’ve all become like my family. Of course, there are certain people I like, and certain people I do.
Let’s start off with the one’s I do not like - I won’t name them.
There’s a boy, and he is extremely obnoxious, kinda guy who would kill a joke, can’t say anything sexual around because he’ll tell you you’re naughty. His extremely ill appearance isn’t very appealing, greasy mopped hair, baggy shirt and trousers that are just way too short for him.
A girl, I like her, she’s actually really nice but she smokes, that’s all fair and well but it is really disgusting, smelly breath, bad teeth, I don’t see the point in that habit. And another girl, she’s also very nice, but she tries too much to be like everyone else, tries too much to be funny, and swears a lot so she seems ”normal”
except she goes overboard. The rest of my group however, are fine.
There’s only a few, 12-13 of us. One boy in particular I have my eye set on, but he’s interested in another girl in our class - a girl of which I’m extremely envious of, not just because she’s caught this guys eye, but because she’s pretty, I look at her, then look at myself, and just want to crawl in a hole and hide there for no one to see. I feel ashamed to have these looks, I feel ashamed to even be alive.
I’m extremely unconfident, always comparing myself, can’t seem to stop.

You know, I hate people who take life so seriously. There’s teenagers my age, worrying about politics and ”society”. I don’t like that word, ”society” - sounds very mature and serious. Going on about this that and the other, that ”what is the world coming to?” and all the adult things like worrying about prices of products.
I just want to scream in their faces, stop being so fucking serious all the time, for god sake live your life with an open mind and don’t be so serious!
Not everything is doom and gloom, yes it seems it but only if you let it.
It’s not the end of the world if you have a bad habit.
It’s not the end of the world if people are losing faith in God.
It’s not the end of the world if a certain person doesn’t like you.
It’s not the end of the world if we’re in a recession.
It’s not the end of the world if you don’t have money.
LIFE GOES ON. LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. MAKE OF IT WHAT YOU WILL BUT FOR EVERYONES BENEFIT JUST GET ON WITH IT.

I’m mature in the sense that I can be serious when I need to be.
Not mature in the sense that I’m worrying about such things.
I’m SIXTEEN. I’m a teenager, still a kid.
I worry about how my hair looks, if my makeups too caked on, if my outfit goes,
I worry about when the next HEAT magazine is gonna come out, which celebrities are doing what on which day.
That doesn’t make me immature. It makes me human. It makes me normal.
I don’t care about society or politics, or the prices of products, or what this world is coming to. All I care about is my future and fulfilling my life long dream of getting my name noticed. Selfish? maybe, but it’s my life, I make the choices, call me what you will but at least I’m ambitious. I don’t complain, I don’t grumble, I take everything in my stride and if I fail I get back up again.

I was actually thinking of writing about how bad I am at improvisation, and how badly I hate it, wondering if performing was really the thing for me. But you know what? Now I’ve written all that, about failing and getting back up again, I’ve decided not to. Yes, I hate improvisation, but at the end of the day, I’m willing to fight my way to the top, so if it means I have to do certain things I tenderly hate, then so be it. Bring it on. I WILL get my name noticed. Yes, I want to be FAMOUS
is that such a bad thing?! I want to make something of myself, I want people to look up to me, see me and think ”wow” I want to spend the rest of my life doing what I love best - performing. To all of you who disagree with me, calling me just like everyone else, just watch. Watch very carefully, those who get to meet me will be the luckiest people on earth, and those who forgot me, will never forget me again. Call me confident, call me stupid, call it a fantasy. Either way, it doesn’t matter what you think. I’m a human, and I deserve a right to make my name known in this god for saken world.

And boy.
Will my name be known.

I’ve decided to sit down and write this today because I feel the need to. 

I have so many things to say on the subject, I feel at least some of my opinions should be known.

On the 29th June 2008 16-year-old British boy Ben Kinsella was brutally stabbed

three colored men. Stabbed why? even though he did nothing wrong? 

no one quite knows.

From what I’ve read and heard, he was extremely bright, handsome, kind, above many other things - it’s impossible to think someone would want to harm him.

I feel wrong for writing this, because as you may have guessed by now - I didn’t know him. But I darn well wish I did. He seemed different, in every positive way possible. Something tells me was always happy, had the brightest smile you could ever imagine, made everyone laugh and had an immense sense of humor.

I can’t quite imagine the pain Brooke, or even Jade and Georgia - the parents!

Are going through. I know if I lost one of my brothers, Ben or Dan, even though they’re both much older than me, I’d be ripped to shreds, I’d constantly feel like it was my life that should have been taken - not theirs. I wish I knew Ben, because something also tells me he would have been the most sincere friend I would have ever had.

I can easily relate to Ben’s experience - I’ve had a knife pulled out on me many times,  usually just kids messing around, but one time it was more serious than that, 

I was only a child at the time, too. I was fortunate enough to have a brave friend by my side who helped block the attacker from getting to me. Luckily neither of us were harmed. But.. ”frightening” isn’t even a word that can be used to describe what you feel at that moment in time. It didn’t harm me physically - only mentally.

I’m so wary when I go out, constantly scared there’s someone lurking, that someone’s out to get me. Too many times I’ve had to put up with the bullies around my area telling me to watch my back, and by heck do I watch it.

I’m scared of those who pass me on the street - young or old, it doesn’t matter.

I still shake with fear, even in broad daylight.

But I shouldn’t feel like that, I should feel perfectly safe, sickens me to think this is what our world has come to. I hate most teenagers my age, to think they’re the cause for why most of the stabbings take place in Britain. Strikes me to the core to even think I’m part of the same species. 

In Ben’s honor, I wear his badge everyday without fail, and even at night, and if for some reason I can’t have it on show I clip it to my necklace and tuck it behind my shirt so it’s always there. Nine times out of ten people ask what its for  - this annoys me, because if they’d have been paying attention they’d have known.

People often ask me, because there’s so many stabbings that take place everyday, why is Ben getting all the attention?

Because for once, people are making a stand, a campaign to ‘Stop Knives, Save Lives.’ - it’s a shame it’s had to take Ben losing his life for it to finally be brought to the surface, but it’s here now, so let’s make him proud, and know that because of the campaign many lives have been spared. I recently made a video, getting as many people as I can to support the campaign by appearing in it with their own messages and saying ”Stop Knives, Save Lives.” you can view it at 

www.charlotteslair.co.uk

I’m carrying on with the campaign as usual, urging as many people to send off for the badges and wear them with sheer pride and determination, like I do.

If not for me but for Ben, and the Kinsella family. 

On the 2nd September, I start college. I can only hope that Ben will be looking over me, as well as his family & friends, wishing me luck and keeping me safe - as well as my granddad who died 9 years ago.

Here’s to you, Ben. Look out for your sisters, they need you right now, no doubt you’ve been watching over them the whole time. 

Sleep tight, and give my granddad a hug from me.

All my love, and so much more to come,

Charlotte xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

So as I’m getting older, I’m starting to realize why little things, play a big part in everybody’s lives.
How important Money is and the fact Love can be so harsh. Going back merely a few years, I  couldn’t even comprehend how important money was. I’d want the latest barbie doll, or the latest iPod - anything that made me look cool and rich. I also had a next door neighbor who was 2 years younger than me, but she was pretty much little misfit, it was like a competition, you know the song? ”Anything you can do, I can do better” - yepp, that was us in a nutshell. So obviously, if she got something, I wanted to go one step bigger, so I’d nag and nag and nag my parents until they finally gave in. They couldn’t really afford it, but it was pretty much anything that would shut me up, and I darn well knew it. I knew if I kept going on about it every hour of every day, they’d get tired of it 
and cave. From the moment I was born to the tender age of Fifteen, I got everything I wanted in the snap of my fingers. From 2006 to 2008 we were pretty okay for money, 
went to Florida a total of 5 times, flew some of my friends out too, I got amazing gifts for my birthdays and christmases, not to mention everything in between. I was pretty spoilt. And I still am, but only now do I realize the true value of money.
We’ve been really really tight on it, I suppose like everyone else in this world.
At first it was hard, because we cut back on a lot of things that usually i’d have the pleasure of occupying daily. I acted up, I played the spoiled rich kid that wanted the new top she saw in London, but when her parents told her she couldn’t have it because they had no money - well, that was unheard of - so she dug her heels in…boy did she dig her heels in..she’d mope, she’d cry, she’d play the ‘guilt-trip’ card, but nothing.
And that, was only at the end of 2008. Only now do I realize that, I couldn’t get that top because we REALLY couldn’t afford it. Every ounce of money went towards food. 
Needless to say, I’m no longer that kid anymore, I’m kinda happy with the lifestyle I have right now, even if it is pretty moneyless. We’ve been like it more than a year now, I suppose I’m used to it. And if we actually do get money and my parents offer to buy me something as a treat, I turn them down, because I know I don’t necessarily need it. But I’m not saying I’m OKAY living like this - I’m happy with it because I have no choice. I have to grin and bare it, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still pine for luxuries.
I’m attempting to save up for some hair extensions, they cost £75, but it’s hard to save when you have no money in the first place, I know, I don’t exactly need them, they’re just a luxury.. - but to be honest, they’re the only thing I’ve wanted in the WHOLE year. Usually I would have wanted game consoles, games, laptops, a new phone, camera, new trampoline .. no, in the whole year I just wanted hair extensions, for me, that’s a big deal because with each passing day I’m realizing I don’t need half the things I have. I could just get a job for the extensions, but I pretty much have no way of getting there [parents dont like me going on buses/trains on my own], jobs are hard to find nowadays, and especially .. jobs are hard to find nowadays - that pay well.
And with me starting college on the 2nd September, I can only work weekends, and I intend to leave the weekends free for my friends and family. 
So it’s pretty difficult knowing I want something, but for the first time in my life, I can’t have it. I know you all think I’m being pretty shallow, that I’m spoiled? ungrateful? well, you can call me those things if you want because hey, I’m not saying I’m not those things. Though I’m definitely grateful for what I have, that’s another lesson I’ve learned recently. But if you were brought up to have pretty much everything lying at your feet, you’d feel the same when suddenly you’re cut off and told you can’t have anything for a while. I’m getting there, I still have many things to learn and many mistakes to make, slowly but surely I am getting there. 

Where love is concerned?
I honestly don’t know where to begin.
I think I’ve experienced it, but I’m not here to talk about my experience, I’m here to talk about my opinions on it in general.
I have a friend..
She quite annoys me as she’s always switching from guy to guy, always saying she loves them, blahblahblah.
She once had a boyfriend, but ”fell in love” with someone else, so she broke up with that one and got with the one she ”fell in love” with. Easy, right? What annoys me though is shes now onto someone else, and she wants to leave this other one for ..the other one! Confusing? 

• Guy 1 - she left for..
• Guy 2 - who she is thinking of leaving for
• Guy 3 - who she is supposedly in love with.

Better? :)
If she keeps chopping and changing between boys, then she really doesn’t know the meaning of love does she?
She said Guy 2 is being a dick right now.
…So? isn’t the whole point of a relationship to love each other, good mood, bad mood?Through thick and thin? You support each other, amiright?
There’s obviously a reason for him being a dick, other wise why did she fall in love with him in the first place.
It annoys me, girls go through so many boys  who they cherish and adore…until the next one comes along.
In that case, then they don’t know the meaning of the word love. 
Though, nor do I..who does? But at least I don’t go through trails of boys, I stay faithful, and if I have a boyfriend, I’m not looking for anyone else, therefore I’m not interested. Yeah, maybe I’ll think someones attractive, but I wouldn’t dare leave the boyfriend for that one, at the end of the day, I fell in love with the boyfriend for a reason - let’s keep it that way.
I also hate how boys have to like a multiple amount of girls, it’s never just one.
And they’re never happy with the one they have.
I’ve been hurt and screwed around so much. I liked [not loved] liked, a boy, who had a string of other girls just like me - no way would I trust him. I was practically one of his, ”robots” I guess and after that, I wasn’t interested. If someone likes me, they’ll like me because I’m me, Charlotte, I’m no one else, and they will never turn me into anybody else - if they try, then they are completely out of my life. I don’t like it when somebody likes me but they like so many other people as well - what’s the point? They immediately lose my trust and faith in them, and they’re the two things that are completely vital in a relationship.
In a way, I’m happy to be single - sure I’d like a boyfriend but then again, I think I’d be self conscious the whole time. Boys aren’t worth the hassle. 
For now, my head is gonna be focused on my acting career.